December 19, 2013
I remember when I really learned the truth of this statement.
My daughter was a drug addict. I was cautiously optimistic that she was serious this time. Jaime moved back into her old room after being gone for 10 years. We lived in a 2 bedroom condo and during her departure I learned to live in my whole house. It didn’t seem so small – until she moved back in.
Jaime detoxed, and then left for a recovery center several states away. I gave her the opportunity to clean out her room before she left. She didn’t take it, but knew that leaving me in charge, well….things just might go missing. She knew!
I began the arduous task of cleaning out her room. I wanted to get rid of any semblance of her old lifestyle. I hoped that when she came home she could start fresh.
In her armoire I found 2 bottles of pills. One was Oxycodone and the other MORPHINE. As a child morphine meant “the end.” A person on morphine was being kept “comfortable” until their last day of life.
And here my daughter had two bottles of pills that weren’t even her drugs of choice. These were, what I call, her step-down drugs. They supplied just enough relief, without her becoming too dependent on them.
I remember holding those bottles and thinking that I could stay “high” for a long time if I chose to. If I was a different type of person I could fill my wallet quite nicely.
I chose neither of those options. Those pills did absolutely NOTHING for me. I was glad to throw them away.
I went back to Jaime’s room and found a heart-shaped valentine’s box. I opened the box and to my astonishment it was filled with Hershey kisses. I remember when she bought these.
She had stayed at an assisted living center for 3 months after her below the knee amputation. These chocolates were left over from the gifts she made for her nurses and friends on Valentine’s Day. I found them at the end of April.
As I held this box of chocolates I pondered so many questions! How did I not know these chocolates were here? What was wrong with my daughter? Did I not teach her well? How could she keep them and not eat them? Why was this box still so full after 2 months?
Within 3 hours those chocolates were history. I peeled and ate every last one of them!
Chocolate is said to have the same effect on ones’ brain as marijuana, cocaine, and love. As I stood at my kitchen sink – coming down from my sugar high – I had a different view of my daughters addiction. I saw that while I was diligent in other areas of my life, once faced with a weakness – a compulsion, I was a full blown addict.
My heart softened to the pain and torment my daughter suffered with for over 10 years. Many times I questioned why she couldn’t “just stop.” My chocolate fest showed me the power of the pull something can have on your life – until we make the choice to detox and rehabilitate.
Is there anything in your life that you struggle to keep under control? Do you think that will power is real?